In this journey of mine, I have met and bypassed, or so I thought, the deeply ingrained emotions and wants of having a husband and children. I am content in my life. I like my “aloneness,” the quiet, and the ability to just do what I want, when I want (for the most part).
However, there are those folks who scrape that little scab open by asking the most – ah hem – (put your word here) – questions to my private life: why aren’t you married? don’t you want to be married? why don’t you have children? don’t you want to have children? Most people your age are already grandparents? Who is going to care for you when you get old and sick? You’re too picky; maybe you should lower your standards? You seem like a nice girl. Is something wrong with you?”
And then, I am quickly sifting through (and if you have had this, you are as well), the individual’s relationship to me, possible motive, face/emotions/tone of question, etc. before answering. Whether an innocent question or not, it stirs up lots of things about children and husbands once again that I have to re-address.
Do I like being single? Yes and no. Yes – I like being single. I like not having: to be aware of and juggling someone’s else’s schedule, to cook for more than one, to just BE. And NO – I do long for a husband, a companion. Sometimes, being single just isn’t enough. Sometimes, there is the great need to bounce off ideas, to have someone walk beside you, to help bear burdens, to help with challenges, to enthuse over successes, to admire beauty in nature, and lest I forget, to help with my To Do List that is getting longer and longer and harder and harder to do.
Do I like not being a Mom? Again, yes and no. See above for the Yes’s and add avoiding for the most part the childhood/teenage dramas/traumas. On the NO side, I deeply long for children. I would love to share my life, my history, my future with youngsters. I would love to see the joy of successes and learning flash on their faces, to feel little hands/arms wrap around my neck and whispered words in my ears, read bedtime stories, cuddle, teach them how to make and do creative stuff, to explore nature and life and wisdom, to mentor, to raise good and godly citizens. It’s just hard to put into words. If you are a Mom, you know what I’m trying to say.
So, I’ve been asked dozens of times why I haven’t adopted or fostered children. My standard answer was always: I’m single, I can barely take care of myself financially how can I add children to that, and I think kids need two parents not one. Meanwhile my heart breaks every time I see “Wednesday’s Child” or “Ellen Foster.” My favorite aunt once asked this question, and to my standard answer(s) responded: Kids need SOMEONE and ONE parent is always better than none.
Here I am. I attended an adoption/foster conference, and I am super excited. I want to delve further into this, to investigate it deeper. Is this something God is calling me to do? To add this detour to my long, winding path? I guess we’ll see. Meanwhile, I will pray, investigate, and learn. I hope this is part of my journey, and not just a peak into someone else’s window, so to speak.
What about you? Have you had a detour in your journey to “peak” at something that may have been dormant in your life wishes? Have you experienced the foster / adoption journey? Let me know your thoughts.